Enviroment Essay: Bob Dole is a Noob
Bob Dole is a Noob
Travis Carpenter, 4/24/08
If anything, I hated the environment. I sometimes purposely threw my recyclables in the trash just so I could say, ‘Hah! I’m not gonna be goody-goody and help our climate! Screw the climate! HAH!’. I would drive a diesel car around or even turn it on and leave to further my unnecessary hate of the ozone. If there wasn’t a trash can around, I would throw my garbage on the ground. I’d been charged four times with littering, and given over fifty warnings about throwing my trash anywhere, but I showed about as much concern as a banana slug who witnessed a murder. They called me Spitstain, but I preferred my actual name of Allan Renolds. But either way, I was about to get a rude awakening.
As I saw a trash can full of recyclable goods, I tipped it over and laughed. But at the bottom of that can I saw a very short man who resembled a leprechaun. He looked at me with a malice I could not describe (except how I’m describing it right now). I assumed that the trash can was his home and now that I tipped it over, he was going to either yell at me or attempt killing me. I stared at him at he immediately spammed verbal anguish at me in Japanese.
“Bakka!”, yelled the small man.
“Duuuuuuude… I have no idea what you’re sayin’…”, I replied.
“YOU IDIOT!!! LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE SO PEOPLE WILL STOP THINKING AMERICANS ARE EDUCATIONALLY REDUNDANT!!!”, screamed the small green man.
“Ok”, I replied.
“I am the Green Ninja of Happy Flowers. I have been waiting here for you, Mr. Renolds.”, said the green ‘ninja’. “ I am here to either educate you on the environment, or kill you.”
“Cool”, I replied.
So me and the ninja wandered around the town, speaking of all the fanciful things the environment has to offer. We talked for hours, enjoyed meals and even visited my mother along the way. By the end of the journey, the ninja turned to me and asked me one question.
“So, do you love the world now?”
“Ummm…”, I started.
“Too slow”, said the ninja.
The ninja the shot thousands of bees out of his sleeve and they stung me. I was then afflicted with over 9000 diseases at the same time. But that’s beside the point. I now love the earth so much, I’m buried six feet underground, buried by a strange, short, green man.
